How will life on earth compare to life for the Mars One pioneers?

So what can I tell you? When we landed the others

threw us a party with full fat milk, rare beef and waffles (the only

official space superfoods since it was discovered that kale and quinoa

cause impotence). The landscape is pretty barren, just acres of rolling

sand and no one in sight, sort of like Greece after it left the Eurozone

and the entire population moved to Germany. Or like the so-called

Caliphate after Islamic State finally perfected its time machine and

managed to transport itself and all its followers back to the 12th

century. 

The temperature outside is about 20c, so a lot cooler

than it is at home since the ice caps melted. There’s water here, but

not as much as is now covering Indonesia, Holland and Somerset. The

atmosphere is 96% carbon dioxide so Juan, the Spanish Martianaut, had to

keep his suit on when he went out to smoke. He tried to get us all to

buy duty free for him in Mexico City spaceport before we left, now that a

pack of cigarettes costs 450 Euros in the shops, and they’ve been

camouflaged so you can’t find them. 

The construction-droids did a pretty good job building Mars Camp out of

the recycled parts of all those closed Tesco Metros. They say we have

enough air up here to last 20 years, Earth’s stocks of storable oxygen

having increased tenfold when the European Parliament collapsed

following the expenses scandal. I still can’t believe that Dasha

Putin-Mugabe was claiming for SIX driverless cars while she was EU

President, and employing her wife as her accountant. And her being the

first transgender Russian lesbian to hold the office, too. 

Speaking of politics, how is life in coalition Britain? Who has the

upper hand at the moment? UKIP? Scots Nats? The Greens? or those nutters

from Cornwall, Mebion Kernow? Or are they underwater now. And how is

young Straw doing now Labour is the smallest party in Parliament, after

the New New New Conservatives? Hard to believe it’s three years since

the last Lib Dem lost her seat. 

I gather that some things have

improved internationally now that Brian Cox has developed his own time

machine at the Wowcher-Hawking Institute in Cambridge, and worked out

that the entire world can now transport all its waste products back to

the Caliphate in the 12th century. 

We can see the Earth from

here through the Clinton2020 Telescope that the US president endowed us

with after her brief period in office. The joke up here is that she did

it to keep a proper eye either on her husband (though he doesn’t get

around so much any more, obviously) or on what President Palin is up to.

I still can’t believe that she sold Alaska to Russia to pay the

compensation bill for the Grand Canyon Fracking Collapse. 

Even

through the Clinton2020 the Earth looks pretty small, though at times,

when the stars are really bright, we can see the Great Wall 2 ring of

laser satellites that China has pointed at Russia to discourage any more

“accidental” incursions. 

Our team up here is like a microcosm

of human life on earth. Well, up to a point. As you know the French and

Italian Martianauts were expelled from the team before lift-off, because

of some scandal or other. We weren’t told if it was financial or sexual

but a space bra and a data stick with three million Bitcoins on it were

found in the airlock. 

The African and Brazilian Martianauts swan around the place as if they PERSONALLY solved the world’s food and energy problems.


And the North Korean guy just sits in the corner, muttering into some

device up his sleeve and scowling. All the freeze-dried cheese has gone

and he’s looking quite fat, if you get my meaning. 

I don’t get

much time to myself, what with work, the non-denominational Sorry

Meetings where we apologise in case we’ve accidently offended someone’s

beliefs, and the communal space-pilates sessions (the North Korean guy

skips those so he may be in line for a compulsory gastric band, as

mandated by the Intergalactic Health Organisation). 

I always try

and upload the latest Birmingham City Games onto my cortex chip when I

feel homesick: I know it’s not fashionable, but I think football got

better when they replaced the players with robots and the wage bill –

and the number of court cases – dropped to zero. I know the electricity

bill is massive, but the new Brazilian solar technology should fix that. 

Anyway, got to run now. We’re putting together a bid to have the 2036 Olympics up here. 

Bye, or as we say on Mars – see you on the dark side.

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How will life on earth compare to life for the Mars One pioneers?